The Beginning Of Something Better (?)

 Hello

This a new beginning for me

I'll be writing blogs now

I enjoy writing and expressing myself through letters

I used to have someone to write to but they no longer here by my side

but I'm okay with that

maybe

honestly before everything that happened, I despise writing because it is a hassle

but as the time goes by

I've come to a realization that I love it

I can express myself better this way

yes it is true sometimes I find it hard to search for a suitable words to express my feelings

but this is what the blog about

Realizing my Weakness and Find a way to improve 

It is now 2024

Happy new year

I gave up on updating about myself on social media now

Why do people even keep updating and posting stories and posts about what's happening in their life?

to flex?

to make others jealous?

to show their friends what they are doing?

I don't get it

maybe they just enjoy doing it

I used to enjoy it but after meeting a lot of people,

I know they don't give a single fuck about us

Other people ain't some npc that exist just to revolve around you

You ain't the main character

They have their own life to care

They have their own problems to think about

They have their own feelings

And I have failed to realize that

I thought I was the one why everyone lived

I thought everyone revolves around me

I'm such a narcissist and an asshole

Due to my failure of realizing

It cost me alot

I lost who I adored the most

It was my fault that they are gone from my life now

It was hard dealing with it

but I also have come to a realization that

They are also other people who help me go through it

Thank you

Despite their problems and what I've done to them

They still helped me

Thanks, friends

If you guys are reading this,

do continue to be who I cherish the most

Since it is a new year

Let's talk about how my past year went

2023

ah a truly memorable and fun year

it is definitely an eventful year

I was 18

I took the SPM and got a decent result

Decent enough to let me get into college and take my foundation

In the same year I graduated high school it also the year I get into college

2023 does feel longer than any other year that I've experienced in my 19 years of living

High School

what a time for me

alot of bitter sweet memories

in high school,

I was a playboy(?)

at least that's what everyone told me

but I don't feel like I am one

but looking back, it is kinda playboy-ish

in 5 year

I went through 4 relationship

but I'll save my relationship stories in another blog 

anyways I don't regret any decision I've made in my first 4 year

Just my senior year I've made alot of mistakes

was depressed about it but

It is what mold me into who I am now

Growing up in my household

I barely communicate and interact with my parents

It is my grandparents who took care of me until I am 16

My only father figure who is my grandpa died when I'm 12

I was lost getting in high school

without him I have no one to guide me to become a person

I've strayed away far from the where I should be 

I've done alot of sins

I drank

I smoked

and alot of other stuff that can make me be considered a delinquent

Despite being the first child

I'm no role model for my younger siblings

Realizing that,

I distanced myself from my siblings

If I'm in the living room, everyone would run into their room

That is why I stay in my room most of the time

Man my life is sad

I don't even know where my narcissistic side come from

a way to cope with my pathetic past I guess

BUT

it is fine

as I am 19

I've grown

I need to be the best role model for my siblings

I need to be a functional member of society

I don't know what can a person does to the society but I'll try my best

Knowing me it is definitely a slow process

Slowly but surely

Improving is what I find fun

Improving in video games is what I thrive in

If I can't do it online why can't I do it in real life right?

Basically this blog is my starting point of becoming a better version of myself

I'll write more if I feel like it

To my future self

You've been through alot to become who you are now

Be confident 

I know I have the potential to be someone amazing

I won't choose to be alive because my life is as pathetic as it is now

I believe something incredible would happen

Don't give up so easily

Continue what I've start

Allah will reward to those who try

Never forget that, me