Foundation till Degree Journey

     Hey, Its been a while. Its hard to find motivation these days. I feel like a total bum. I started making this blog at the start of my foundation and I'm already on my 13th week for my degree lmao. Alot has happened. I explored various of new stuff, went to new places and meet alot of people. I mean yea there's also hardships, but I got over it and just move on yk. 

    Lets start with the beginning of my foundation. The reason I started this blog are because of a girl in my highschool. She probably shaped me to who i am now. I don't mean it in a bad way. She's probably my first love even though i dated some other people before. But the relationship with her is different than others. Probably because we overstep a few lines but hey we were young and naive. We broke up right before we continuing out studies at different place. Its definitely my fault, i still feel the guilt eating me inside out till this day. During my first term of foundation, I was deep in the dumps. I have no one to lean on, no one to turn to, I was lost. That's when i meet my first friend during foundation, my roommate, my gym buddy (not anymore), and the only person that will be there if I ever need his help. We were in the same situation, but he showed me that highschool isn't the end, it was just the beginning of our lives. 

    The first semester of my foundation is lowkey chaotic. I thought I'd be failing one of the subject that I took. Somehow i pulled through, kinda. I failed one of the subject in my second semester so i had to retake it and extend one more semester for my foundation haha. Its all good tho. I made alot of friends in my foundation. I also get into multiple relationship just to find a replacement. Spoiler alert, I never found one. Damn it's hard being in a relationship. Maybe I'm just irresponsible? Most of my relationship always ends with me being the problem. So, I AM the problem. I tried to improve but I'm also a human being, I have moods depending on the day. Its either I'm unlucky or I should just be single for the rest of my life. Sometimes whenever I looked at my friends being all happy with their girlfriends, I wondered, do they never get in a fight? Is their way of communication is better than mine? How do they solve their problems? I was distraught. Is that a word? idk but yea something like that. Will I ever get married like this? Haizzz we getting off track now. But yea nothing much in my foundation year. I hangout with my friends alot. It was really fun. I hope they would never think that I'm just a bother considering I always text them. 

      Retaking a subject. Never thought that would actually happened. I mean I was retarded when I just into highschool but over time, I improved my grades significantly. Just in foundation, the cultural thing of a university had me baffled. Like what do you mean I can just scroll my phone and the lecturer does not give any flying fuck. That's when I just stop caring about learning, my grades worsen and I just come to the class only for attendance. But, repeating a subject also got some hikmah. I made new friends that I never met before just because they're third intake students. Now they're actually my roommates now in degree. In my fourth semester everything went smoothly. I got 4.0 gpa but my cgpa was still in the 2.0-ish just because I failed a subject. Somehow I graduated and got offered my first choice for my degree. Alhamdulillah. I'm doing fine in degree. I enjoy coding. Just typing bunch of codes on my laptop. Pretty chill. I'm hoping to get dean list for my first semester. So far my assessments marks are ok, not that high but not too bad to the point that 4.0 will just be a dream. Unless I fucked up some quizzes or my presentation later of course. 

    After foundation, I worked. Working in FNB isn't as bad as people say it is. Yea it was indeed tiring, but it was enjoyable. My coworkers and managers are so nice. I'm thinking to go back to the place I worked at after my first semester to work there again. The salary isn't that high, but the workload and environment is probably worth the salary. My friends said that it's definitely not worth, but I think otherwise. But getting a paycheck after a month working feels... refreshing. Before, I just asked my parents if I needed something, and if you know how I am with my family, I never get the thing I wanted in the end anyways. So after having my own money to buy what I want, I find joy. I bought a tablet for my study as how useful it is during my foundation. Guess what. Shit is useless because I code more than I do math or any calculation based work. I should've just upgraded my laptop. This washing machine of a laptop is dying. Maybe after my first semester. 

    After 3 months of working, finally, my degree life started. I was looking forward to it. First week of orientation, not much happened. I just registered to get my room and after unpacking stuff in my room I just went out with my aunt to explore Gombak. It's kinda crazy. Considering I mostly stay in the state most of my life. Why my aunt? Of course my parents being who they are, just neglect my ass as their son went off to another state to continue his study. When the lectures started, I'm abit lost about my timetable. Like, I need to have certain credit hour every semester just so that I can graduate in time. I can choose my own subject to take and set the time for it. I'm new to this and abit surprised how free this study life is. I ended up taking 15 credit hour for my first semester and 17 next semester. Hope all goes well. 

    

    My current state of health? It's fine I think(?). Physically, it's the same old me, asthma here and there but nothing serious yet. Mentally, bro I'm fucked. If I'm not studying, I'd be playing games. That's legit all. I don't join any event or anything yet. I tried applying to be the committee for some events but i had no prior experience hence I never got picked. Should've handle more event during foundation. I sometimes do feel lonely. Nobody to talk to, to rant about my day and stuff like that. But that's the point of me making this blog. To rant. I don't force anybody to read it. Actually, I prefer that only I know about this thing. 

    

    My love life? Shiiit I gave up on that tbh. Enough breaking people's heart. I should carry my burden alone. I can't take advantage on people that is actually serious about me. It's better for me to not engage in any romance. I'm hopeless. When the time comes I guess. I just want to finish my degree and get a job. Secure a stable life and then find someone to marry. Well, for my ex-girlfriend, you know who you are, my words is just, I'm sorry, I take you for granted and I feel so much guilt and I hate myself for that. What I did was uncalled for and it will never be undone. I scarred you and just threw you away like you were nothing. You are a human being yet i treated you like an animal. Hell I even called you a stray cat before. I'm sorry. I know words mean nothing but this is all I can do for the time being. I really wanna talk to you again. I missed you. I want hold your hands again but it's already too late. You're off to somewhere else and I also have my own path. But still, you're my first love and I would never forget you. All the memories we shared, happy and sad, are embedded in me. After our break up, The thoughts keep lingering, "This is the best for the both of us right?". I was wrong. It's definitely the best for you, but for me I'm suffering. I know it's selfish of me and this is my karma, but I cried and cried until my tears dried up thinking that "What have I done", "I can't live without her", "Nobody can replace her". I'm rotting inside. Dying, while searching for that kind of love again. Withering, while thinking about her beautiful smile. Vanishing, while remembering the word "I love you" said in her voice. Maybe in another life, Syaf.